Author’s note: This is from a series based on my journal. Unconventional and idiosyncratic punctuation and formatting are intentional.
Early this morning I dreamed about attending a going-away party in the porch of the house where Neville and I grew up. In front of the sliding glass door a Christmas tree stood next to a chandelier dripping with crystal and muscular gold cherubs lifting and lighting candles. A portable pool filled the dining room. It was about three feet tall with navy blue canvas siding. I left the gathering in the porch to take a swim. What are you doing? Neville asked. I want to show off, I said. After that I took down the chandelier from the porch and tried to install it next to the pool. My alarm woke me then. Perhaps I was preparing for some night swimming.
Soon after coming downstairs I posted the next piece in my journal series. It’s from the day before Thanksgiving where we did the Planksgiving workout at fitness class. I also mention Polly going out for pumpkin pie ingredients. I love pie, Jim said in his comment. Pass me the can of Reddi-wip! Mom loved Reddi-wip too and often had several cans in the refrigerator. I like to spray it in my mouth, she told me once. I believed her. Last night Jim posted another edition of Textbook Sleep, Maximum Strength Sleep-Aid. He read from a treatise called Agriculture for Beginners. At one point he read a passage concerning tilling where a dying man tells his sons there’s treasure buried in his garden and they rush out to dig up the soil. Thud! Thud! Thud! Jim read. If not for that moment of excitement I may have actually fallen asleep. Andrea Hoffman posted about writing. Writing is thinking, she said. She said it’s how she metabolizes life and described it as psychological digestion. Writing for me is the same and I can get just as irritable being unable to write as I can from trying to process something that disagrees with me.
On my way to the shelter today I went by Walgreens and checked out with an older woman named Lorraine. I asked her about a box of Dubai chocolate candy bars on the counter. Why’s it so popular? I don’t get it, I said. It costs five dollars, she said, that’s why I don’t get it! She’s always as matter-of-fact as she is laid back. At the shelter I thought I would be answering the phone and handing out supplies. Instead I ended up being the only volunteer at the front desk to sign men in and answer the phone and hand out supplies when Jack didn’t come in for his shift for some reason. A man from the city was talking to men for its annual homeless census and offering a McDonald’s coupon for each man who participated. Several waited in line for all of my shift. Roger came down on his lunch break to help with the phone and supplies. He recognized two young men from his own recovery. He’s 12 years in now. He’s nearly 70. I thought I was different, he said of his abuse, that’s what took me so long to deal with it. The first man talked of needing to take a deep breath and clear his head and being confused by so many options. So many options! he said. He wore jeans and a thin flannel shirt unbuttoned over an auburn t-shirt that matched the color of his hair and the scruff on his chin. He shuffled a few papers on the counter as he spoke. He rolled and re-rolled an envelop with the shelter’s logo in the upper-left-hand corner. We go way back, Roger said to me. I’m just a baby, said the man. He’s probably just double the years Roger has been in recovery. Roger offered him his number. He declined. Be safe, Roger said when he left. The second man came in just for a bus pass wearing a backpack and a SpongeBob t-shirt that said I’m Ready! The man mentioned being in school now. Take care, Roger said when he left. Roger’s periwinkle sweater made his eyes look like the bluest sapphires. Attain and Maintain were among Spelling Bee’s answers today.
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I’m glad the farming put you to sleep, Polly.
I love the portable pool in the dining room. I suppose I must dream, but I never recollect any when I awake.